My transformation is almost complete.
I guess it started when that front tooth fell out...
Then a few years ago I moved to a place called Horseshoe Bend, where men are known only by nickname – Fozz, Horse, Snow – and women are, by and large, kinda scary.
I dress exclusively in don't-look-at-me casuals (lots of old T-shirts and flannel; it's so much easier that way).
And now, I'm enjoying a steady diet of OxyContin.
Yessiree, I'm on hillbilly heroin.
I think it's time for a little song to celebrate:
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